Uncomfortably Polite

I understand that as a society, we aren't really allowed to go around spouting our true feelings about everything. It turns out that if someone invites you out and you tell them, "No you annoy me and make me want to punch small children and/or elderly people", they tend to get their feelings hurt. So what do you do? You tell them, "Oh I can't I'm sorry, I already have plans" and that is the end of that.

Unless they start stalking you...

In which case, you might want to call the police.

Or if a friend gets a new haircut that is completely hideous, yet you are a nice friend and so you tell her, "It looks great! It really brings out the shape of your face... which is good." In all reality, you want to ask her if she even owns a mirror and if she does, why she would not look in said mirror before leaving the house.

It um... it looks great? How do you feel about hats?

There are all kinds of situations in which it is not only socially acceptable, but actually socially required for you to be a polite liar. I understand this, because if I'm being honest, I don't ever want anyone telling me the truth about when I look super shitty. Ever. Not even if there is a fire. 

But

I Cannot

Stand

Polite

Small

Talk

There I said it. The elephant in the room, the fly in the ointment, another analogy of a creature being somewhere where it has no business being. 

When I see someone that I honestly don't care about, and I am forced to make polite conversation with them so as not to seem rude, it makes me hate them more. 

I don't care about the weather. I don't care about what you did last weekend. I don't care about where you work. I don't care about who you are dating... 

ok I might care about that one if it is scandalous.

BUT I don't care how you have been or what you have been up to. All in all, I don't care about anything going on in your life. Most of the time, if I haven't talked to you in years, it is probably for a reason. That reason is most likely that I forgot you existed. So if I had no recollection of you ever breathing air on this planet and my life was doing just fine, why would you think that I want to be uncomfortable with you in the middle of the tampon aisle of Walmart? 

Conversation

Starter Kit

If someone actually said how shitty their life was going at the moment, the other partner involved in the conversation would likely start hysterically sobbing and making strange pterodactyl noises out of sheer shock  and desperation. And do you know how awkward that is in the middle of a crowded supermarket?! No one wants that. No one can handle that shit. 

Don't be a pterodactyl. Do the right thing and lie shamelessly to people you haven't seen in ages who might be named David? or Jamie? or Steven? Shit... just say hey it's good to see you and leave off the name because you're never going to remember anyway.

Bad Mother's Day Gifts

Well Mother's Day is coming up sometime this weekend, or so I have been told, so that got me thinking about possible gift ideas. Which then led to thinking about possible HORRIBLE gift ideas, which was much more entertaining.

IDEA NUMBER ONE


A two part package that will surely have your mother sobbing about bad life decisions. AKA- a BAD gift.

READ BETWEEN THE LINES!

She'll figure it out.

IDEA NUMBER TWO


Every mother dreams of becoming a grandmother, but we all acknowledge that there is supposed to be a natural order to things. Meet a guy, get engaged, get married, pop out babies. What better way to tell mom that you had premarital sex and are now carrying some random guy's illegitimate child thannnnnn.....

T SHIRTS!!!!

you might want to lead off with this one...

IDEA NUMBER THREE

If you would like to just flat out insult your mother, there are ways in which it can be done. 

INSULTING STEREOTYPES!

A new ironing board and iron!!! Doesn't that woman just look like she is having a fabulous time?!

IDEA NUMBER FOUR

One thing we sometimes forget is that inside every mom, there is still an insecure woman. Not bashing moms,  just simply stating the fact that all women are, in some way, insecure children. What worse gift to give the woman that gave you life than ones that will lower their self esteem.

Diet, Dating, and Aging Tips!

I didn't k now Botox had coupons?

So all in all, if you feel like playing a semi soul crushing prank on someone this mother's day (please don't make it your actual mother, that's horrible. Make it a friend or a sibling or someone you secretly hate. Your mom gave you life, don't be like that. Rude.) here are a few options. Or you could always go with the old standby of an Applebee's gift card. Whichever you prefer. 

-Dev